Beware the freshman 5,000

Contrary to any and all rumors you may have heard (or hopes and dreams you may have had), I did not graduate in May, nor was I thrown into a rampaging river or stabbed in my sleep over the summer.  

What I hope to do this year is limit political commentary (of course, this being an election year, some will pop up from week to week, especially as we approach November), in favor of being more chill and – hopefully – fully, regaling you with anecdotes about life on this beautiful campus.

Now, if you’re not my English 311 professor, what I’ll really be doing is trying (and probably failing spectacularly) to make jokes about things that are grinding my gears about life at Ole Miss and yelling at you kids to get off my lawn like the old man that I am.

The biggest thing that’s grinding my gears so far this year is the freshmen.

Where did you all come from?!

There’s like 5,000 of you and you’re making it take five years too long to get my Chick-Fil-A at the Union.

Plus, there’s nowhere for me to park, even in my assigned lot, even at eight at night. 

We have a plethora of places where you can park a bicycle on this campus, like bike racks, handrails on stairs, garbage cans and even small trees if you are so inclined. If UPD has a pair of bolt cutters to use to steal your bike, I’ve yet to see them.

Bikes are easily acquired: Walmart has some for $80, if you’re light, $100 or so if you need something more sturdy. 

If you just have to have a racing bike or something similar, there’s a bike shop on Jackson Avenue. If you go down through the Ford Center parking lot and out past the Depot, it’s pretty much right across the street.

I know you may love to drive your Mercedes/BMW/Audi/Land Rover/GM SUV (hello, patriots!), but you really need to do us old people a favor and park it in your dorm lot so we can get to our classes on time.

You’ll hopefully figure most of this out over the next week or so as we work out all the kinks, but lunchtime at the Union and the JC is not noon, if you have a 1 o’clock class, and the post office is always going to be busy over that hour. 

None of those places is very busy in the morning, or in the mid-afternoon. At least, not noon-busy.

Also, Hume is not anywhere near Bishop, and if you have classes in the Music Building and Bishop Hall (or Guyton, even worse) back to back, I’m very, very sorry.

Best of luck, welcome to Ole Miss, Hotty Toddy, and for God’s sake, get a bike!