The Weekly Top 10
Things for freshman to keep in mind this year
1) I’m Two Years Older, and Therefore Far More Superior: Sorry you have to hear this publicly, I bet it’s really embarrassing for you. You may think the whole “age superiority” thing died in high school, but think again, dorks. You’re so low on the totem pole that I can dedicate a week’s “Top Ten” to your inferiorities. Let the public shaming commence!
2) Keep Going to The Levee, Please: Yeah, you read correctly. By now you have probably realized that certain bars on the Square are good for socializing, while others are good for accidentally spilling Jager Bombs on that girl you think is into you because you two made eye contact while she was trying to find the bathroom. If you think The Levee and The Library match the former description, than keep on keepin’ on. For all our sakes.
3) Go Ahead and Give Up Personal Hygiene: Oh, Stockard and Martin, you make the restrooms at the Library look like Swedish spa houses. The showers in the dorms really sort of defeat the whole purpose of, you know, taking a shower. I suggest bathing in Listerine following each shudder-inducing stint in the bathrooms. Just tell everyone you’re using the new Axe Body Spray, “French Bro-thel.”
4) That Indigestion You Have is Completely Normal: You just ate four pizza sticks from The C-Store. But really, nothing says “This Fulfills the Requirements of Edibility” like two-day-old Hot Pocket-eque snacks and a room temperature Vitamin Water to wash it all down.
5) No, You Cannot Park on that Statue of James Meredith: I know parking at the dorms is horrendous, but it sure beats the crushing guilt of mowing down Brother Micah in his prime. He has so many positive, coherent messages for the youth of today!
6) Brother Micah, Can’t Live With Him, Can’t...: Well, you could probably live without him. For those of you who are unfamiliar, our dear friend Brother Micah is a wandering preacher who knows every little bad thing you’ve done and wants you to know you are condemned for all eternity to damnation and torture. He’s sort of like Santa Claus meets Hellraiser.
7) Good Luck Returning Your Animal House Poster: Sorry, kids, the poster gypsies have disappeared into the mists of the night for another year. It’s a good thing you didn’t try to haggle with them over the price of your super-tasteful poster of Adriana Lima covering herself with bottles of Budweiser Lime; you definitely don’t want to deal with gypsy curses for the next four years.
8) Yes, Four Years: Yeah, you most likely angered those poster gypsies in some form or fashion. The reason you failed that last exam wasn’t because of your hangover from The Levee, it was because of those darn gypsies. Sucks for you, because the only remedy is written in crow’s blood on the back of the diploma you get upon graduating. It’s some weird business deal Ole Miss has with the poster gypsies...best not to ask questions.
9) Your Memorization of the Ole Miss Fight Song is Vitally Important: Oh, you know the chant? Quick, you must tell someone official in case something should happen to you and the words are lost forever. It’s a dying art form, if you haven’t noticed.
10) Don’t Like All This, Tough Noogies: That’s what the cool kids say, right? Anyway, if you have a problem with any of these reminders, feel free to call me out in person at the super-secret rave being thrown by the Chancellor and William Faulkner’s ghost. Oh, you don’t know where it is? Sorry you aren’t upperclassmen, losers! Booyah.
